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The Simpsons
QUOTES


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This page is about 400 days old and already it needs to get a face lift! I plan to put it in some catagorization!

Last Updated 04/24/98 08:01 PM


"Such senseless violence! I don't understand it."

"We don't expect you to. If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd be on in prime time."

-- Marge and Lisa in Krusty Gets Busted


"Beer! Now there's a temporary solution."

-- Homer in Homer's Odyssey


Bart: "I think this guy's a little crazy."
Grandpa: "General Patton was a little crazy. This guy's totally out of his mind! We can't fail!"

-- Bart the General


"Three. Family Jewels."

-- letter begin written by Grandpa Simpson


"But now it's time to say good-bye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle - the hounds will be released in ten minutes."

-- Mr. Burns in There's No Disgrace Like Home


"Was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted snack treats?"

-- lawyer from Krusty Gets Busted


"Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of heavily salted snack treats?"


"Don't have a cow, Homer!"

-- Bart


"Later grizzly dudes!"

-- Bart in Call of the Simpsons


"Not the crappy little elves!"

-- Bart in the babysitter episode ( Some Enchanted Evening ?)


"Look lady, we've seen the crappy little elves!"

-- Bart in the babysitter episode ( Some Enchanted Evening ?)


"If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're mistaken!"

-- Homer in Homer's Odyssey


"When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. THEY'RE ON TV!"

-- Homer in There's No Disgrace Like Home


"I want to be alone with my thought."

-- Homer in There's No Disgrace Like Home


"The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the"Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag."

-- Sideshow Bob in Krusty Gets Busted


Krusty: "Hey kids, who do you love?"
kids: "Krusty!!"
Krusty: "How much do you love me?"
kids: "With all our hearts!"
Krusty: "What would you do if I went off the air?"
kids: "WE'D KILL OURSELVES!"

-- Krusty Gets Busted


"Chocolate ... double chocolate ... *gasp!* New flavor! Triple chocolate!"

-- Homer in Krusty Gets Busted


"Krusty has small feet. Like all good-hearted people."

-- Bart in Krusty Gets Busted


"Ah, the life of a frog; that's the life for me."

-- Bart in Crepes of Wrath


Bart: "You gotta help me! These two guys work me night and day. They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. They put anti-freeze in the wine and they gave my red hat to the donkey!"
French policeman: "Anti-freeze in the wine?! That is a very serious crime!"

-- English subtitles in Crepes of Wrath


"JUST a statue! Is the Statue of Liberty JUST a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of 'pizza' JUST a statue?"

-- Homer to Bart in Tell-Tale Head (Homer pronounced it as 'pizza' not 'Pisa')


"Gee, Dad. You must really love us to sink *THIS* low."

-- Bart to Homer in Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire


"There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."

-- Bart in Bart the General


Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.

-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Bart: Watch me dive!
Lisa: Watch me dive!
Homer: OKAY, we're watching!
Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them... [they dive]
Bart: Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half...
Lisa: Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive...

-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Herbert: And I want to pay you $, a year!
Homer: And I want to let you!

-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering.

-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Herbert: Do you understand?
Homer: Sort of.
Herbert: Homer?
Homer: What.
Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence!
Homer: SORT OF!
-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting...

-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


I want a horn here, here, and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad. And they should all play `La Cucaracha'.-

- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids with optional restraints and muzzles?
Homer: Bullseye!

-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings, when I could've been watching cartoons!

-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy' ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic?

-- Lisa, talking to a penguin, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?''


Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name?
Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir.
Burns: Who?
Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs in sector -G.

- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, ``Blood Feud''


Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on ore lights. Oh, do something!
Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler

-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud''


Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait a minute... there was a card..

.-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a thank-you card, ``Blood Feud''


Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand.
Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly] you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed.

-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood,``Blood Feud''


Homer: Bart! Take a letter!

Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my son's blood. And you `card' was `just great'. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last part back to me?
Bart: `You stink!'
homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy, with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...'
Bart: An elephant's butt?
Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.'-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud''


Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh?
Postal Worker: That's right.
Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away]-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud''


Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous?
Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself What in blazes!

-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud''


Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron!
Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and your father is trying to worry.

-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud''


Burns: Who are you?
Homer: [thinks Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.[aloud Homer Simpson. [thinks D'oh!

-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud''


I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

-- Burns plans his next move after opening Homers letter, ``Blood Feud''


Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never believed it.
Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud''


Moe: [answers the phone Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons [to phone Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.

-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud''


Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self.
Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one.
Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems.
Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch

-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud''


"We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip- zoop-zabulous present!"

-- Monty Burns gives a present to homer? ``Blood Feud''


Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here.
Bart: Wow, a crowbar!
Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid.

-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud''


Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard
Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly Ol-mec.
Maggie: [falls down

-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud''


Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big scary rock.
Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head.
Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we go> a reward. The head is cool.
Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've gotten anything.
Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
[laughter all around

]-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud''


 

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